Stagnation

TTW-Summer-2016It’s not something we talk about too much in the international community. It’s the closest thing we have to a taboo subject. But it’s something we all struggle with.

Staying put, settling down, finding a home.

Some of us want nothing more. We’re tired of always having to make new friends, chart new territory, break down barriers. It’s exhausting. We’re ready to grow some roots, relax, find a strong circle of friends. But who do you relate to in a town where no one else has your background?

Some of us never want to stop. We love re-inventing ourselves, starting fresh, finding new challenges, new adventures, expanding our infinite friendship circle. We’re never more at home than in an airport. Thriving on the winds of changing, and always searching for where to head to next. But what happens do we do when we run out of places we can go?

I have always been in the latter category. I can’t keep my feet still, they always end up following my head into the height of the clouds.

Yet here I am. Stuck. Reaching year 4 in Toronto and the inevitable “thousands of reasons I can’t leave.” Everyone has their own list, or their own inhibitors, when it come to the place they settle down. Everyone has their own pattern and their benchmark for what a long time somewhere is. So I won’t bore you with my own. What I will say, though, is that it’s much more difficult than I ever expected it to be.

We’re not supposed to talk about it because it’s a “poor-little-rich-kid syndrome.” It’s a problem of the privileged. We were raised to adapt, adjust, fit in, camouflage. We’re malleable to our circumstances, whatever they may be.

Except when you become so malleable and mutable that you no longer feel comfortable holding a shape for too long. Like river water that has been captured into a tank. Your flow and energy disrupted, seized… stagnated.Β tree-roots

It IS a privilege. It IS “poor-little-rich-kid syndrome.” But that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. Somehow it’s perfectly understandable for a person who has never moved in their life to experience culture shock when they find themselves somewhere new, and yet the same rule does not seem to apply in reverse.

Really, I’m just wondering if there’s any else who’s felt the same. Who has struggled with staying put. What made you stay? What made it ok? Or are you on the other side of the spectrum, whether as a 3CK or otherwise? Where is home? How did you figure out where to find it?

I guess I just need to know I’m not alone.